CHAPTER – 17

                    Janaki stared at her wedding ring.

 She’ll never forget the moment when Pranav made her wear it when he officially proposed her for marriage. He was shooting in Dubai, when she had to come here for official reasons and they had met. Their family had decided the wedding date by then and they were all set to enter matrimony. She had demanded an official proposal though they were considering the marriage to be one of convenience and he had obliged her.

He always did. He did care and never denied me anything in our years of togetherness. Where has that Pranav gone?

Those are priceless days in my life. Yes, love as a feeling hadn’t risen in our relationship. But there was care, concern, companionship which laid a solid foundation for love to bloom. And it did, but it didn’t last long enough.

“So you are pregnant. And he doesn’t know it yet?” Priya’s question stretched between them.

Priya, Janaki’s best friend stayed in Dubai. When she got to know of Janaki’s situation she asked her to come to Paris, since she’s heavily pregnant and can’t travel to India. But soon after reaching Dubai, Janaki found out shes’s pregnant, with Pranav’s child.

“When are you planning to inform him?”

“I really don’t know”

“I guess, keeping it hidden is not going to help either your or him. The delay might really cost you both”.

“I know”

“Then what’s holding you back?”

“I…..I’m afraid he’ll….”

“He’ll deny this responsibility?”

Janaki didn’t reply in words but the unbridled confusion and nervousness on her face said it all.

“You have to let him know, and allow him to disclose his preference rather than you guessing it for him. What if he doesn’t mind the child’s presence in his life even if the divorce happens?”

“Actually that’s my biggest fear. That he might accept our child, but deny giving him/her a proper family”

“Whatever he has to say, you will have to hear it from him sooner or later. The procrastination will only cause you more pain and anxiety. And it’s not good to be anxious at this stage in life Janu. It can affect the child badly”

Janaki sighed. She knew all this, but she couldn’t bring herself to go back and face the truth of her life.

“I’m not prepared”

“And you never will be, no one can be. You can’t plan and meditate such situations in life. Just go with the flow”.

“It’s easier said than done. You have to stand in my shoes to actually understand my predicament”.

Priya sighed.

“This is a worse space for a kid to grow up. We both have faced the repercussions of being kids born in broken family. I hope, he doesn’t repeat our parents mistake”

“I understand your dilemma Janu. But maybe this is for the best. Since you both are from broken families, you will have a clear idea of what and how to provide your child with, so that he/ she grows up without having the complexes you guys had”

“It’s just good on ears; in practical life there is no way to make it easy for a child thrown into such a sticky situation. No matter how cordial and unified we try to be for our kid’s sake, it will never be enough. He will never have that ‘complete perfect family’ and just like us, he will have to deal with the shortcomings of not being born in such a family”.

Priya felt bad for her friend.

She’s torn between self respect and the needs of her unborn!  But I also know, somewhere she’s hoping for a life with Pranav again, with this child. This should have been a happy phase of her life!

“Janu, do you really want such a man back in your life, who couldn’t respect or care for you?”

“I don’t know Priya. I can act before him and everyone else, that my self-respect is my priority but deep down.... I’m still not over him. Yes, I know probably things will never be the same again for us, no matter which path we choose ahead. A wedge is inevitable, but I know....if I decide to go ahead with this pregnancy, he will be my side to see this through. He will never deny this child; he’ll fulfil his duty as a parent and help me raise him/her without the ugly shadow of our divorce affecting him. But it will never be enough….neither for me….. nor my child”.

Her eyes revealed a thin sheen of tears.

“I know he’s not a bad person Janu. Yes maybe one can’t help who to fall in love with, but to cheat or walk away from a relationship is a choice one makes. Let’s leave it on him who he wants to cheat or who he wants to walk away from after learning this new truth of his life! Let’s hope he makes a decision that’s good for all involved”.

“I understand. But I’m not sure if I am strong enough to go face that decision of his; because this time it involves my child too”.

“You’ll never know unless you try. And ‘being strong’ comes from our psyche. It entirely depends on us. If we are ready to be strong, then we can face anything! Go back to India and sort out your problems. Life is too short to mop around contemplating about ‘what-ifs’!”

Janaki nodded her head slowly and looked out at the clear sky.