CHAPTER – 14

Janaki was resting in their room when Pranav walked in.

“Pranav what happened? You were supposed to be back next week!

He walked up to her.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, resting as usual. My business is suffering though. I don’t know how long it can go like this. These tests, bed rest, I hope we get a positive result soon”.

“Janaki”

She saw a serious expression on his face.

“We need to talk”

“We will, but are you okay?”

She saw he is finding it difficult to talk.

“What’s it, tell me?”

For a while he did not know how to present the matter and remained silent.

  

“I have something to tell you, something....unpleasant”.

She knew something is off and waited for him to continue.  

“We both know we did not believe in marriage or love when we got married. It was an arranged marriage that suited our convenience”.  

“I would like to assert the past tense here. It was a marriage of convenience, but I think we’ve come a long way”.

When Pranav didn’t say anything for a while, she knew she wouldn’t like what she’s going to hear!

“Pallavi”

Janaki didn’t know how to react for a while. It is indeed a blow for her.

“You do know right, this is not something a woman would like to hear from the man she’s married to, especially when she’s on bed rest owing to treatments undergone for a child with him?”

He couldn’t respond to it. Silence clouds the room. Janaki could feel tears rolling down from her eyes on its own. Her voice is cracked when she addresses him next.

“So, what are you going to do about it? Why are you telling me this now? Is this some sort of a confession about a momentary lapse?”

“I wish to start a life with Pallavi”

She couldn’t believe what she’s hearing. One of her worst nightmares is coming true.

“What about me, I’m your WIFE!”

“This relationship is not working from a long time Janaki”.

It took her some time to respond to that. Her face had turned ashen! She tried hard to control her stammering voice when she spoke again. 

“What do you mean? We’ve had our share of ups and downs. But every marriage does. A relationship needs constant effort from both of us to keep it alive. If you feel it’s not working, then communicate with me. We’ll try and work on the issues”.

“For how long Janaki? Aren’t all these years behind us enough? If we couldn’t achieve a sane relationship in all these years what’s going to change now?”

“But you never told me you were feeling like this Pranav. Maybe if you did, we would have already worked out the issues. Every marriage goes through such phases. But it doesn’t mean we should end it. Let’s not repeat our parents mistakes Pranav”.

“Exactly Janaki, I don’t want to repeat my parents’ mistake, of staying in a marriage I don’t want”.

“Pranav...” she choked.

“I’m sorry for doing this Janaki. But I seriously can’t go on like this”, he sat beside her.

“Is it because of my insecurities? Or my inability to give you a child; or because I could never satisfy you? For which mistake of mine am I getting punished?”

“I’ve stopped being happy in this relationship for a long time now Janaki. I don’t want to blame you or punish you for anything. Consider it as my weakness”.

Tears never stopped.

“Since when....”

“I don’t know exactly”

“But.....you were with me Pranav. Last few years, we’ve been trying for a child. Which all doctors, temples we visited; and you were always there beside me. I know...I know I’ve been an emotional mess lately....but I valued your presence Pranav, I respected you, loved you for your constant support. When did it all change? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I wanted to....end everything for a....long time now. But I knew you needed me, I just didn’t feel like leaving you alone”.

“So...... (she resolutely wiped her tears though new ones dropped soon after).....it was sympathy. I was a pity case for you”.

“Janaki”

“Did you ever love me Pranav”, it was a mere whisper.

“Maybe I just grew out of those feelings”, he didn’t want to hurt her more.

“What if...you grew out of your current feelings too?”

“I don’t know. But irrespective of that, I think separation is best for us. Even if Pallavi denied or if she didn’t exist in my life, someday this was bound to happen Janaki”.

“You hate me that much?”

“I don’t hate you but I don’t want that to happen in future”.

She’s heard enough. She closed her eyes, tears still streaming beyond her control. At that moment, she knew everything is over between them for him. But she didn't burst out or lose herself before him. She wanted to scream at him, beg him to give them a chance. But when she opened her mouth she only had one thing to ask.

“So there is no chance for ‘us’ anymore?”

He felt bad for doing this to her.

It is not fair by any means; I can never justify myself for hurting her; but I know this is best for us. It’s better to end this now than end up hating and hurting each other, like his parents’ did.

“I’m sorry Janaki”

She diverted her gaze to the windows. They sat like that for some time in silence.

“I need some time Pranav. What you told today is not something I wished to hear. I don’t know how to deal with this now. I need time”.

He nodded at her words and left her hand. He stood up, his eyes still on her. But she refused to meet his eyes. He slowly walked out of the room.

Hours later she sat under the shower, her body shaking with the wails.

                                               ****************

Radhika: Stop irritating me Ashok. This is my life. Just because I am your wife, I’m supposed to give up my happiness?

Ashok: So me and my daughter mean nothing to you?

Radhika: Ashok please. Why are you bringing our daughter into this?

Ashok: I'm not bringing her in Radhika. She is already there; she is a very important part of our life.

Radhika: I know that. You needn't remind me always.

Ashok: I have to; because often you seem to forget that you are a mother too.

Radhika: Will you stop this nonsense?

The argument went on.………..Nobody saw a lonely 7 year old girl standing behind the door - trembling with fear and uncertainty……….

                                         ****************

Judge: As the couple has decided to get separated and the term given to them to rethink has not brought any change in their decision, the court hereby declare their divorce to take place. As the girl child is just 11 years old, her custody is being handed over to her mother. She can meet her father once every year during her summer vacation. Court adjourned.

Radhika: Bad luck Ashok! I told you, Radhika Thilakan never loses. I gained freedom from you and also won the custody of my daughter.

Ashok: I just hope she doesn't grow up like you.

Radhika: How dare you??

The argument again went on……but nobody saw the dreams of a young Janaki being shattered; her dream of living in a ‘home’ with her father ‘and’ mother!

                                          ******************

Pranav's declaration felt like a hard blow, one which she did not see coming.

I was aware of the shifts in our marriage. But we never really had a smooth run; no marriages did. Fissures existed in our marital life always. The lacklustre sexual life did make me conscious; but Pranav had been patient and gave me time to come into myself. I had feared and even made peace with an abrupt end to our relationship back then. But his grandmother’s demise brought us emotionally close. We both got a new lease at life.

I was always conscious about being dependant on a man. Love, marriage came with a caution tag for me, after witnessing my parents’ debacle. I don’t know when and how, but, Pranav became my life; after Papa’s demise, even more so. I know I often pushed him to his limits with my emotional self. But that is my basic nature with my loved ones. I don’t hide my vulnerabilities or eccentricities. What is the point of hiding behind masks when what I need is authenticity?! I gave him exactly what I wanted from him. I wanted him to find that anchor in me too; the bouncing board to hit on, unconditionally.

Didn’t I accept him too, with his entire plus and minus?! He lacked in communication and that has severely hampered our relationship. Despite wanting to be emotionally connected I knew he’s not someone who can express emotions. His silence, lack of emotional connect, I had made my peace with all that too. Isn’t that what a marriage entails? To accept and co exist with your partner, as they are?!

When I couldn’t conceive I did think of letting him go. But HE stood beside me, giving me strength whenever I lost myself. My love for him grew even more. I was just hoping that the advent of a child in our lives would make it more beautiful. What more did I need, I had a husband who was always supporting, bore all my eccentricities, was beside me in all my lows and highs. He was my best friend.

All that was a lie! He was acting! Nothing was real. Where did everything go wrong?

She sobbed into her knees. Her life has shattered forever!!

                                       **************

Pranav and Janaki could not avoid their confrontation for long. She took her time to come to a decision and when she did, she called up Pranav for a conversation.

“One day I had a life that I was contented with, and the next thing I know is I’m all alone. You threw me off my balance Pranav.”

She walked towards him as she talked and saw him going to say something.

"No, please let me complete" she came and stood in front of him and looked in his eyes.

 "Pranav, you know I love you....I don't know when I started loving you... we both were of same nature, two lonely souls bounded by a convenient relationship. We were going fine...Weren’t we? Remember that day when I was sick and woke up in your arms, your care, concern all night....that was the day I realized I have feelings for you...I thought with time, when we had our happy days, we were finally on the same page. What I didn’t know is me letting my guards down around you and being my real self with you, would scare you to the extent of finding someone else to fill my shoes”.

"One minute Janaki. Pallavi is not here to fill your shoes. She has a place and role in my life which is something maybe only she and I can understand. But that doesn’t mean you are nothing to me. It is just that I couldn’t love you the way you desired, the way you deserve. You are a wonderful woman and I did try sincerely but somewhere we drifted apart. It is not because of Pallavi, even if she didn’t come to my life, we would not have worked out Janaki. I had stopped loving you for a long time”.

 THAT HURT.

"I get it. But you must also understand that I’m in love with you; I’m stuck there still...Pallavi has happened in your life Pranav, not in mine. Nothing has changed for me; I still love you. You were, you are and you always will be my only love”.

 "Believe me Janaki. I’m not happy doing this to you. But I don’t have any another option. We just don’t have a future together. You are a nice woman. Any man would want you in his life”. 

Janaki smiled, her eyes stung with unshed tears.

“But you don’t want me in your life Pranav! If my flaws troubled you, if you needed space, you should’ve made me aware of it. Yes I should’ve noticed or at least made sure not to push too much, I shouldn’t have become so dependent on you. I shouldn’t have allowed you such a power over me. But I have to say this, you communicating it at the right time would’ve perhaps helped us, we’ll never know now. Instead of giving up at the cracks, we could have tried to work on them; after all a long term marriage demands that from the two people involved”.

He had no words to respond.

“I can give you the freedom you desire but that would kill me. I can also be equally selfish like you, trying to hold on to my feelings, my needs alone. I’m in love, just like you are. I can say that’ll not give up without a fight; not give you an easy way out”.

“Janaki”

“I’m not done. I won’t lie Pranav, I did think along those lines. I didn’t want to let you go, I wanted to try and save my marriage, the stability and normalcy I have with you. But then is it really worth it? Should I hang on to a man who don’t need me? Yes it’ll take me a lot to get over this but I’d rather be miserable alone than miserable with you knowing that you cheated on me. You’ve already ruined all my good memories with you. I can never ever respect you again, the way I did until now. So what’s the point? Like you said, maybe a life together will ensure we end up hating each other; just like our parents”.

Heavy silence stretched between them until he spoke again.

“I’m sorry Janaki”

She turned away to hide her tears.

“For the past few years, I’ve spent each day of my life loving you. So I’ll do this. We’ll apply mutually for divorce. I want you out of my life”.

He didn’t miss the crack in her voice.  

 “I know I’ve wronged you Janaki. Maybe you are right, if I had stood up for our marriage instead of scheming lies perhaps we wouldn’t be facing this day. But now, I don’t want to go back; I don’t think you deserve it too” .

She didn’t respond to his guilt. It did nothing for her.

“I’m sorry for being selfish”.

“Door is on the right Pranav”.

After a while she heard the click of the door.

Everything is over.

CHAPTER – 13

         

They are at Pranav’s farmhouse. He offered coffee and now both were seated opposite each other in the living room sipping it. A slight drizzle that began when they reached here has now turned into a complete down pour. Pallavi’s mind is lost in disturbing thoughts.

How will I break this to my parents? They are surely not going to agree, can I go against them? Will a marriage appease them to this relationship? What about Janaki? What is her mistake in all this? I’ll be starting a new life breaking her marriage. In what way can that be justified? That I love Pranav and he loves me? But didn't he once love Janaki and bind himself with her? Can I trust Pranav to do justice by me then? Will this have a future? Will I regret this later? Only questions.....no answers!

Both were wondering how to address all that need to be spoken. Pranav spoke not wanting to extend the silence.

“Janaki is my father's best friend's daughter”

Pallavi gazed at him.

“My parents had a very disturbing married life despite being college sweethearts; and I grew up seeing their quarrels and indifference to each other.  So I never believed in the institution of marriage or love. When they died in an accident I was 14. After that, my grandmother raised me. My father’s demise slowly but gradually led to the deterioration of our family business and we got embedded in debts. Janaki's father helped us a lot during those dark days. I only knew that he is a divorcee and his wife is remarried and settled in London with their daughter. Janaki came into my life when I was in the initial days of success in my career. She had come back to India completing her studies and leaving her mother forever. She took up her father's business and started to develop it. My grandmother liked her a lot. She was hell bent on getting me married to Janaki”.

He glanced at Pallavi; she is blankly staring at the aquarium in the room. He continued in a hollow voice.

“We had met once or twice in some family parties. We both are similar to some extent. Both of us hated our childhood, ambitious, independent, and clear about our life goals. We valued our freedom and individuality. After seeing her parents' life, she too didn't have high opinion about the institution of marriage.  So when my grandmother and her dad pestered us about our marriage, we talked it out”.

Pranav knew he had to be honest.

“When we met, I was charmed by her. Actually there was nothing to not like about her. When we discussed marriage we realized we really did not visualise love or marriage in our lives. But by getting married to each other, we could keep the important people in our life happy. So it was clear to us that we won't have much expectation from our marriage which means a peaceful co-existence. It worked perfectly for us. We focused on our careers and carried ourselves as friends and found it easy to live by. We never used the ‘L’ word, but yes....we were no less than a couple. We had a normal relationship.  After one year of our marriage my grandmother passed away. I was shattered. At that time Janaki was my support system. That phase did bring us close; I realized Janaki have feelings for me. I did try to reciprocate and slowly we found a comfort in each other”.

Pallavi gulped. The glimpse into Pranav and Janaki’s life is making her sceptical about her decision.

“But our married life wasn’t exactly okay. With time we had issues; after her father’s demise I became her emotional anchor. I tried to live up to her needs but often felt short or just plain tired.  She became dependant on me to an extent that she became over possessive and insecure; my line of job didn’t help to. I tried to balance both but it never really worked. My career began to suffer at one point because I was distracted and my life with her also witnessed fissures”.

Pallavi didn’t move a muscle; she’s just listening to him attentively.

“That’s when deceit entered our marriage. I started to hide my real feelings and went with a facade which would keep her happy; which in turn would allow me to have my freedom to focus on career. I presented her with a reality she desired but I was acting; everything was fake in my personal life. It became a pattern; she was happy and I masterfully balanced my personal and professional life”.

Pallavi stared into his eyes.

“But there were times when I wanted to break off; I just couldn’t go on pretending. And I almost did. But by then we had done some medical tests since she was not able to conceive. And the results came out negative for her; she was shattered. Like any other woman she wanted to be a mother and somehow she felt a child would settle our marriage for real. I couldn’t leave her in that lurch; we went for treatments without any positive result. She was an emotional wreck and I tried as much as I can. But honestly I felt stifled. I felt stagnant in career and life. I couldn’t find an inspiration in work or happiness in life. It was at this point, you came into my life”.

They shared an eye lock.

“When I saw your photo the first time, I’ll admit I felt an attraction; which only grew with time. It’s not the first time I was having such feelings but I knew better than to act on it. I’m not saying I never had flings, but I just didn’t want to approach you on those lines”.

She looked away.

“Even before I could comprehend, I started finding a companion in you. But I was not sure. I was not exactly sure what I want from you. Janaki was still very much a part of my life and I did feel connected to her. I was attracted to you but I didn’t want to flirt or try a chance with you. I just...my need for you was different. I could share my thoughts with you, discuss cinema and just randomly chat about anything. I have this protective instinct, bordering on possessiveness when it comes to you. I enjoyed talking to you, you brought out an interesting version of myself; a Pranav that I enjoyed”.

He moved towards the window. She came and stood beside him.

“That accident.... it shook me. I was not ready to let go of the comfort I found in you. Your presence had started to fill the void in my life. And the thought of losing you was unbearable to me. And that night in Canada.......in a vulnerable moment, I let my guard down. I shouldn’t have; at least to not jeopardize our friendship. But after the accident and all that time close to you, I was not ready to part with you and that moment....just happened”.

Pallavi held his hands. He turned to look down at their joined hands.  

“I felt lonely and empty in the last three years; much more than I had ever been. I wanted to throw caution to wind and take you in my arms and never let go, ever. But I couldn't. Your words stopped me, always. Also Janaki, she needed me badly during that time. I was emotionally absent but I tried to be with her however I could. She has no one in this world and she’s my responsibility. But I think she did realize fissures were again creeping into our lives. But tried to feign ignorance and focus on the treatment hoping for a better tomorrow”.

Pallavi felt sorry for Janaki.

“When I signed this project, my only intention was to give us one more chance. As friends or partners – that’ll be your choice. I just wanted your presence in my life. But soon I realized I am just fooling myself. I need you Pallavi.....”

He looked into her eyes and cupped her face. Her moist eyes started into his.

“But I’ll never force you to take this decision because you will have more to lose than me. It’ll be what you want. If you want me to stay away, I will, no matter how hard it’ll be for me”.

Tears filled her eyes; her heart was asking her to embrace this man but there were things hindering her still.

“Janaki?”

“I’m going to talk about us, to her. I think she already has inkling from all the rumours and my behaviour. I will end this marriage”.

“Won't it hurt her? She’s in the most vulnerable phase of her life; she needs you more than we’ll ever need each other”.

“I want to be selfish here Pallavi. I want to look out for myself”.

“Unrequited love and broken marriage is unbearable to any woman; it’ll be even more for her since she loves you”.

“She was a self assured woman when I met her. I feel somewhere this vulnerable state of hers is because she knows I don’t feel strongly for her. I was always unable to give her what she desired and deserved. Maybe that caused all the insecurities which ultimately took us to the brink. I know this is going to break her, but I don’t think I can go on. Even if you decide against us, I might still go with this decision because our relationship is strangling both of us. Janaki and I need to let go of each other for our own good. I’m just thankful we didn’t pull a child into our mess like our parents did”.

“King...”

“Trust me Pallavi; this is the right thing to do. I want you in my life, and it will not be fair to both of you if I don’t free her from this unwanted relationship before starting a new life with you. I can continue hiding from her but ultimately it’ll destroy her. Also you deserve better than that. I don’t want to wrong you both anymore”.

She is silent for some time. She is collecting her thoughts which were a mess right now. Once she could articulate her thoughts she spoke in soft yet firm voice.

“This is not how I dreamt of my life King. I wanted to fall in love and have a happily ever after like any other girl. But today I have to make a choice; I can have it all but for that I have to distort another woman’s dreams, her life. Janaki’s present state if anything is making me guiltier. Also my parents, I don’t know if they’ll ever forgive me. I’m going to bring bad name on them. My father gave me the freedom to live my dreams but now everyone, including my mother will berate him for that; because I clearly didn’t keep their trust. But....”

He looked at her with anxious eyes.

“I can’t resist my feelings for you. I tried....I tried for all their sake. I tried running away from it, I even tried to get into other relationships to get over you. But I simply could not. My heart yearns for what I had with you. No one is able to make me feel the way you did. I’m not able to get over the care and concern you showed on me after my accident. Just like you, I didn’t want those days to end. When I roamed around that night with you, I wished it never dawned. Seeing you with Janaki hurt me but I tried to make myself understand that’s the reality. But now I’m tired. I don’t want to deny myself a chance with you”.

He couldn’t contain his happiness; he hugged her tightly and she sobbed in his arms.

“I know I’m being selfish. I don’t know if we are making a wrong choice. But I want to do it with as much rightness as possible. I won’t be yours until Janaki can accept your decision. I don’t know her; maybe she’ll never accept or take time. But whatever it is, we’ll not be one until you are legally separated. My parents, I know, even then they might not agree for our marriage. But I’ve to do at least that much for them. I don’t want to be known as your mistress”.

“Shh. Don’t you dare use that word. I agree to whatever you said. Janaki also deserves that much from me. She was a part of my life all these years, I owe it to her. I’ll see what can be done. Don’t worry”.

She nodded. After a long time, they felt light. They didn’t know how things will go from here but felt a relief at being able to open up to each other.

We’ll find a solution, this time, together.

CHAPTER – 12

               Pallavi lay on the bed with her eyes wide open. Shoot is going well; movie is framing up according to Suraj’s expectations.

 It is a deep passionate love story and demands brilliant performance from us.  But instead of acting we are kind of enlivening our feelings before the camera.

She remembers the song shoot they did recently.

Why is this treacherous heart aching? What are these emotions clouding within me? This is wrong, but then why does it feel so…..right? Why is my heart yearning for that one thing which can never be mine?

 She heard a knock on the door. Actually she had expected Pranav to come from the day she started this shoot. But somehow he hadn't disturbed her till now.

Maybe because the last time he came to my room, it had been a disaster and spoiled whatever we had. But it's now time we talk like adults, clear the air and move on.

Taking a deep breath, she opened the door, but is surprised to see Shyam Nadir standing before her with his sickening smile. She quickly composed herself and addressed him in a professional tone.

“Mr. Nadir, you here? What is the matter?”

“Hello Pallavi (he elongated her name with extra sweetness), and nice to meet you; can I come inside?”

When she continued to give him a stern stare not moving from the door he continued.

“Actually, my current production is being shot in the same town. So I'm staying in this hotel”.

“But what brings you to my door at this late hour?”

“Oh did I disturb your beauty sleep?”

He gives out a dry laugh while she maintained a poker face.

“Chill, I won’t take much time. I just thought since we both are staying here maybe we could discuss a few things about our project which commences next month. I hope you haven’t forgotten that I'm the producer of it”.

“The discussions were to be held after I'm back to Mumbai. Now I’m busy with another project sir”.

“Can you at least let me in? It’s awkward standing like this in the doorway. I just want to talk, nothing else”.

Pallavi is suspicious of his intentions but she can't just close the door on his face too. She tried to avoid him politely.

“Mr. Nadir, if you don't mind can we have this discussion some other time? I'm not well, and need some rest”.

“I know everything about you and Pranav”, he gloated.

She is shocked at his direct statement and that confirmed for Shyam the information he got is right. He decided he is going to en-cash this in his favour. Pallavi composed herself quickly though and continued in a monotonous tone.

“I don’t know what you are talking about. Anyways I don’t have time for this now”.

“Pallavi....you don’t need to lie. I’m not going to judge you. This is very common in our industry. Sleeping with big shots for your career advancement is not a big deal”.

“THAT’S IT. I’m closing this door and you are leaving”.

She tried to bang the door on his face but he held it with his hand stopping her.

“Not so soon, let me finish what I came here for”.

He forced his entry into the room which got her enraged.

“You have no right to barge into my room like this. Leave or else I’m going to create a ruckus”.

“Relax Pallavi I'm not here to harm you. I know what is going on between you and him. Already there are rumours about you two and media just need evidence to blow it out of proportion. Do you want that?”

Maya was angry and afraid, but she knew he won’t leave until he dumb all his nonsense. So she waited patiently for him to finish.

“Don’t worry; I have no intention to degrade your name. But I can make matters worse too. It can affect your career and also your family. So all I'm asking you is to cooperate”.

“What do you mean?”

“You, I want you. I want the same thing that Pranav is getting from you. I want you to be with me like you are with…”

He couldn’t complete his lecherous thought, in few seconds he’s sprawled on the floor with a bleeding nose. Pallavi let out a gasp seeing the blood. A very enraged Pranav stood beside her after giving a hard punch to Shyam. Shyam coughed blood and got up on his feet.

“If you stay one more minute, your children won't be able to recognize their father hereafter”.

Shyam looked on with pure anger and loathing, first at Pranav and then Pallavi. Pranav covered her and stood before Shyam with raging eyes.

“Don't you DARE lay your eyes on her; it won't be good for you”.

“Don't think this ends here Pranav. Even I’m a big name in this industry. I have my own means to get back at you and your so-called Mistress”.

A tight slap resounded in the room. Shyam held his burning cheek, with closed eyes and grate his teeth.

“You will pay for this. I will make sure you both pay for this”.

After giving a final glare to Pallavi, he walks out of the room. Pranav had his hands fisted and is trying hard to control himself. Pallavi is numb. Shyam’s words made her feel disgusted. She looked at Pranav’s rigid profile. She knew his temper. She knew it will only take minutes before he bursts out. And as if on cue, he turned to her with anger evident in his eyes.

“WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT PALLAVI? Haven't I told you to stay away from Shyam?”

She had hit her low with this incident and all her pent up feelings came forth with his display of anger.

“I didn’t invite him to my room. He came and just started delivering nonsense and I didn't know what to do. And even before I could react you were here to make matters worse”.

“Why did you give a reason for him to be in touch with you? Why did you sign Shyam's project? I have told you in clear terms that I don't want you to work for him ever”.

“And who the hell are you to dictate me? What I do in my life, who I work with, whom I’m with, it’s none of your business”.

“IT IS MY BUSINESS”.

“Why, why does it matter to you?”

“BECAUSE I LOVE YOU DAMMIT”!!!!!!

For few seconds, she tried to deny his words to herself, but how long can she do it. Her eye moistened; but she couldn't bring herself to speak. Her heart is exploding with happiness hearing those words from him. But soon helplessness took over.

But there is no future for us; or is there....still a chance? What if I.....chose....present over future?

Conflicting emotions clenched her heart with that thought. He saw her face twitching with happiness first, then changing to confusion and finally settling on pain. Both shared a long eye lock. He felt uneasy when tears started rolling out of her eyes; he fisted his hands and left the room in 3 long strides.

At the door he turned back once and in controlled voice said, “Lock the door”.

And with that he left. She slowly moved to the door and locked it. Not to say, it was again a long night for them.

                                                   *************

Suraj is shooting a confrontation scene between Pranav and Pallavi. The character Ashok, played by Pranav is a man who found love after marriage and Pallavi is doing the part of his lover.

“What’s our future Ashok?”

“Priya...”

“We love each other. But is this right?”

“Maybe not, but I cannot live without you Pallavi, that’s the ultimate truth of my life”.

All the crew members stood still when they heard Pranav addressing as Pallavi instead of her character name. Everyone is clearly getting a hint of what is going on.

“CUT”

Pranav came back to his senses and became aware of his surroundings. Pallavi acted nonchalant though a storm is brewing within her; she tried to keep an expressionless face when her make-up artist came to do her touch up. The set resounded with some gushes and whispers among the crew regarding Pranav’s slip of tongue. Though it is a dialogue from the film, it affected them. They knew this and many such scenes to come ahead are going to be difficult for them personally.

“Pranav, Pallavi let’s go for a re-take. The lighting is not right in the last shot. And Pranav………………… it's Priya”.

Pranav didn’t miss the mild warning in his mentor’s words but he chose to ignore his stare. The set adjusted for a re-take.

Only if a re-take is possible in real life!!!!

                                                                                                            

                                                  **********

When Pallavi entered her caravan she saw Pranav waiting for her inside. His eyes were unfathomable. She signalled her make-up artist to leave them alone. She left with an understanding nod. Pallavi turned towards him after closing the door and the next second his lips landed on hers firmly. She knew this is coming. But she isn't sure if she should give in to her desires or walk out again for the sake of their families. Her heart and mind tugged her in two directions of right and wrong. Ultimately…….heart won! She kissed him back.

Pranav, whose mind feared the outcome of this kiss, who was apprehensive of Pallavi's reaction relaxed when she gave in. Both of them for once let all reason and thought vanish from their mind and gave into their emotions completely; into their impossible situation completely! When both were short of breath, Pranav pulled back and rested his forehead on hers. They stood like that with closed eyes. After what felt like ages, he opened his eyes and stared down at Pallavi. She still had her eyes closed maybe in fear of what she has to face now.

“I will be waiting in my car”.

She opened her eyes and stared into his astonishingly; the implication of his statement not lost on her.  He didn't tell anything more, the message is clearly conveyed. Now the decision is her’s to make. He walked out of the caravan.

 She sat down before the dressing table. For a long time she sat there contemplating her next move. She looked into the mirror in front of her. She gazed at her reflection as if asking herself what she wants.

When she walked out of the set with her bag, she saw Pranav waiting for her in his car as promised. She informed her manager something and then walked towards his car.

I know each step I’m taking ahead will cost me a lot in future…………….….I’m staking my honour, my family’s trust on me and perhaps everything I’ve earned so far!

But I also know that it is inevitable; we will eventually end up in this road sooner or later. There is no way out. It is meaningless to try and run away from this each time. We can't keep on pretending for the rest of our lives.

Whatever comes out of this will give us disgrace, but also happiness and satisfaction in abundance. We are plunging into a deep sea…………..but this deep sea is what we need more than the shore. This is a SIN…………..a sin in all sense but the most right thing to do to our own selves.

Yes this is a selfish decision. I’m not going to deny it. But right now nothing seems more right to me. My heart is asking me to embrace what I’m feeling and heart is seldom wrong in guiding us, right?

She got into the car. Both of them sat in silence for a moment, the enormity of their decision hanging over their heads. In few minutes the car moved forward…….into a new phase of their lives.                        

CHAPTER – 11

Pallavi finished the script reading with Suraj Gupta at his office and needless to say she is deeply moved by the story.

“So Pallavi, I would like to see you as my Serena. What do you say?”

“It's a wonderful story Suraj Sir. And Serena is an outstanding character”.

“Is that a yes?”

She didn't know what to say!

I love the story, it’s a dream role and my dates are available. Even if it is not I’ll make it available for Suraj sir. How can I deny him? But Pranav is the male lead....

“I think you need time. Let me know in 2 days maximum”.

“Sure sir. I’ll take your leave then”.

  

Just then Suraj’s mobile beeped with a message.

Dev – I'm in Sir. My manager will contact the producer and discuss the dates. I'm doing this project.

He informed Pallavi that Pranav has given his nod. She assured that she’ll let him know her final decision in 2 days.

                                                  ************

Pallavi finished the shoot for the day and was driving back home. She took to driving whenever she’s confused and wants to clear her mind. Her mind is wheeling around old memories.

Pranav asking her to hold his hand when she was hanging by the cliff......... He had asked her to trust him and she had done just that…………

The way he took care of her after the accident…………………his care, concern and their wonderful moments together far away from the world's eyes…………...

The night when he asked her to accompany him for shopping…………..………how they had roamed around the streets……………………..

How she slipped on the snow glazed pavement and he caught her and their passionate eye lock……...……………their KISS…...……

Her curt words after that….." It would be better if we don't cross our paths again"

She had never really been able to get rid of those memories no matter how much it hurt her to remember it each time!

Do I want to do this film?

Yes!

Will I be able to work with him without messing my mind?

No!  

Do I want to work with him?

........Yes! Maybe one last time!

Am I being selfish?

Yes! 

What does my mind want me to do?

Keep away from Pranav. 

What does my heart want? 

Be near him!

Am I selfish?

Yes!

                                            ************

Article: News India

                        Hottest Couple in Tinsel Town Reunite for ALVIDAA

Mumbai: True to our last Article, Pranav Malhotra and Pallavi Nanda are once again coming together on screen to mesmerise us with their mind blowing chemistry. Viewers are blessed with this opportunity through their mentor Suraj Gupta's next Alvidaa. The shoot is to commence in July. To the questions on why they were never seen together for so long despite their miraculous chemistry, the actors commented that no right project came up for them. Anyways fans are already going gaga over this film. With Suraj Gupta helming the project and this hot onscreen pair coming together, Alvidaa is expected to be a massive hit and has already made audience excited for its release.

                                            **************

They started the project as planned in July and the shoot is progressing well. Suraj is happy with how the film is shaping up as days went by.

But Pranav is having a hard time. Pallavi is avoiding him to her best ability despite doing this movie opposite him. During shoot, she is professional to the core and lets nothing affect their work; but as soon as Suraj screams pack-up, she walks off to her caravan. She never remained on the sets unnecessarily and always avoided being alone.

But Pranav wanted to rekindle at least the friendship they had. That is the main reason why he gave a nod to this project despite having many other profitable projects lined up. He wanted Pallavi’s presence in his life. But in the last three years, he has realised that they cannot be what they want to be. But that doesn’t mean they have to maintain this ignorance game. He was in a far better head space regarding their equation now and wanted to see if she shared the same thoughts. This shoot is his only opportunity to find out.

Though they didn’t interact much on set, he often caught her stealing glances at him just like he did. She would sit with her sun glasses on and a poker face intact when he’s doing his solo scenes. But he knew her!

When Suraj sir told me about this project, I wasn't sure if Pallavi will act with me. Somewhere I knew that she won't deny her mentor and had secretly wished for her to agree. I’ve obeyed her words and never crossed paths with her after that night. But now, their paths have joined once again. I’m not going to let go of this chance destiny has provided us.

                                               **********

A song sequence is being shot. The set design is dominated by black and red colour and has a forbidding aura to it. The scene enunciates a lover singing to his lady love the pain he is going through. The song is dramatizing the plight of the lovers who can't join despite their true love.

Pranav is seen holding a guitar in his hand all alone on a slightly uplifted stage. When the music is played and Suraj gives a head up, he slowly begins lip syncing the lyrics. Pallavi in a black transparent sari with no ornaments, minimal makeup and hair left in loose curls walks into the frame. She has her eyes downcast and her face is etched in sorrow. Suraj is sitting before the visuals, a mike in his hand.

 He throws his hand in the air to express his violent sorrow. She runs to him seeing his pain but stops short when he looks into her eyes with hope. She is unable to move further. He extends his hand to touch her face, who is just few feet’s away from him; but she moves away from him ending the shot.

In between the shots, crew is adding the needed changes to the background and music is being repeated in the background while Suraj explains how he is visualising the scene to Pranav and Pallavi. They are planning to take the beginning and end shots of the song sequence today.

Pallavi’s makeup-man pulled a chair for her and indulged in touch up. Pranav also seated himself not far away and his makeup artist also works on his face. His eyes were constantly seeking hers. She can see him through the mirror held in front of her and he is aware of it. They share an eye lock through the mirror. Pallavi averts her gaze. After the touch up she moves up on the stage with him. Choreographer explains the next dance step to them with the help of her assistants who is doing a demo for them. The spot boys are arranging a fire line on the stage. The song will end with the set being ablaze with fire.

“All back to position. All lights off. Red lights alone on. Pranav, Pallavi ready?”

 They nodded.

 “Music on”

The music starts and when they are about to reach the next line; Pranav moves into the middle of the stage and holds his position. He holds her hand, she moves close to him and lean on his shoulders. He holds her in his arms while she continues singing the lyrics denoting anguish with pain, holding their intertwined hands in hers. Somewhere the lyrics and its meaning were pricking them, since it reflected their own emotions to an extent.

They share an eye lock before the camera and she word out the lyrics with a sincere expression which Pranav realised is not just acting!

 Set boys are ready with fire. After taking necessary precautions, the last sequence is being shot where the set will be lit with fire enclosing the lovers amidst it. The song is reaching its crucial part and it seems like Pranav and Pallavi are in a different world of their own. The scenes come to life with an unusual amount of life to it.

 She raises her head slowly and moves back leaving his hand, but looks straight into his eyes with determination and resignation. He looks on as her hands left his, her fingers swept through his; his hand leaned forward to her and his mouth opened in anguish as if to say something to stop her.

Suraj realized they’re improvising. He signals the boys to set fire and soon the whole frame depicts the golden rays of it. She continues singing while twirling amidst the fire while he looks on with a pained expression close to her. Suraj didn’t want to lose the moments so he didn’t ask for cut and made the camera angles adjust to get the best shots. His team worked around Pallavi and Pranav to get whatever they could in a single shot.

Pallavi is crying without the help of glycerine. Tears keep coming out of her eyes as she twirls, Pranav move forward and take her into a bone crushing hug even before he was supposed to. She weeps in his arms holding onto him. He holds her close to his heart concluding the song in an epic manner.

While most of the crew are spell bound by the sheer intensity of the shot and the brilliant performance by Pranav and Pallavi, some do silently snigger and murmur about the gossips around them.

Suraj signalled a spot boy to take them out safely while others concentrated on extinguishing the fire around. The boy tapped Pranav's shoulder essentially bringing them back to their senses. They came out of the embrace.

“Excellent shot sir. You both looked so much in love. This song will be a massive hit”.

Pallavi moved out of the stage without a word. Her assistant came and held her hand to help her off the stage. He followed suit.

“Wonderful shoot. Pallavi you were so natural and Pranav, excellent performance. I liked your improvisations hence felt better to catch it in one shot. Whatever need retakes we can do tomorrow. Now you guys need a break”.

They gave a nod to Suraj and couldn’t resist a glance at each other before heading to their respective caravans.