CHAPTER – 13

         

They are at Pranav’s farmhouse. He offered coffee and now both were seated opposite each other in the living room sipping it. A slight drizzle that began when they reached here has now turned into a complete down pour. Pallavi’s mind is lost in disturbing thoughts.

How will I break this to my parents? They are surely not going to agree, can I go against them? Will a marriage appease them to this relationship? What about Janaki? What is her mistake in all this? I’ll be starting a new life breaking her marriage. In what way can that be justified? That I love Pranav and he loves me? But didn't he once love Janaki and bind himself with her? Can I trust Pranav to do justice by me then? Will this have a future? Will I regret this later? Only questions.....no answers!

Both were wondering how to address all that need to be spoken. Pranav spoke not wanting to extend the silence.

“Janaki is my father's best friend's daughter”

Pallavi gazed at him.

“My parents had a very disturbing married life despite being college sweethearts; and I grew up seeing their quarrels and indifference to each other.  So I never believed in the institution of marriage or love. When they died in an accident I was 14. After that, my grandmother raised me. My father’s demise slowly but gradually led to the deterioration of our family business and we got embedded in debts. Janaki's father helped us a lot during those dark days. I only knew that he is a divorcee and his wife is remarried and settled in London with their daughter. Janaki came into my life when I was in the initial days of success in my career. She had come back to India completing her studies and leaving her mother forever. She took up her father's business and started to develop it. My grandmother liked her a lot. She was hell bent on getting me married to Janaki”.

He glanced at Pallavi; she is blankly staring at the aquarium in the room. He continued in a hollow voice.

“We had met once or twice in some family parties. We both are similar to some extent. Both of us hated our childhood, ambitious, independent, and clear about our life goals. We valued our freedom and individuality. After seeing her parents' life, she too didn't have high opinion about the institution of marriage.  So when my grandmother and her dad pestered us about our marriage, we talked it out”.

Pranav knew he had to be honest.

“When we met, I was charmed by her. Actually there was nothing to not like about her. When we discussed marriage we realized we really did not visualise love or marriage in our lives. But by getting married to each other, we could keep the important people in our life happy. So it was clear to us that we won't have much expectation from our marriage which means a peaceful co-existence. It worked perfectly for us. We focused on our careers and carried ourselves as friends and found it easy to live by. We never used the ‘L’ word, but yes....we were no less than a couple. We had a normal relationship.  After one year of our marriage my grandmother passed away. I was shattered. At that time Janaki was my support system. That phase did bring us close; I realized Janaki have feelings for me. I did try to reciprocate and slowly we found a comfort in each other”.

Pallavi gulped. The glimpse into Pranav and Janaki’s life is making her sceptical about her decision.

“But our married life wasn’t exactly okay. With time we had issues; after her father’s demise I became her emotional anchor. I tried to live up to her needs but often felt short or just plain tired.  She became dependant on me to an extent that she became over possessive and insecure; my line of job didn’t help to. I tried to balance both but it never really worked. My career began to suffer at one point because I was distracted and my life with her also witnessed fissures”.

Pallavi didn’t move a muscle; she’s just listening to him attentively.

“That’s when deceit entered our marriage. I started to hide my real feelings and went with a facade which would keep her happy; which in turn would allow me to have my freedom to focus on career. I presented her with a reality she desired but I was acting; everything was fake in my personal life. It became a pattern; she was happy and I masterfully balanced my personal and professional life”.

Pallavi stared into his eyes.

“But there were times when I wanted to break off; I just couldn’t go on pretending. And I almost did. But by then we had done some medical tests since she was not able to conceive. And the results came out negative for her; she was shattered. Like any other woman she wanted to be a mother and somehow she felt a child would settle our marriage for real. I couldn’t leave her in that lurch; we went for treatments without any positive result. She was an emotional wreck and I tried as much as I can. But honestly I felt stifled. I felt stagnant in career and life. I couldn’t find an inspiration in work or happiness in life. It was at this point, you came into my life”.

They shared an eye lock.

“When I saw your photo the first time, I’ll admit I felt an attraction; which only grew with time. It’s not the first time I was having such feelings but I knew better than to act on it. I’m not saying I never had flings, but I just didn’t want to approach you on those lines”.

She looked away.

“Even before I could comprehend, I started finding a companion in you. But I was not sure. I was not exactly sure what I want from you. Janaki was still very much a part of my life and I did feel connected to her. I was attracted to you but I didn’t want to flirt or try a chance with you. I just...my need for you was different. I could share my thoughts with you, discuss cinema and just randomly chat about anything. I have this protective instinct, bordering on possessiveness when it comes to you. I enjoyed talking to you, you brought out an interesting version of myself; a Pranav that I enjoyed”.

He moved towards the window. She came and stood beside him.

“That accident.... it shook me. I was not ready to let go of the comfort I found in you. Your presence had started to fill the void in my life. And the thought of losing you was unbearable to me. And that night in Canada.......in a vulnerable moment, I let my guard down. I shouldn’t have; at least to not jeopardize our friendship. But after the accident and all that time close to you, I was not ready to part with you and that moment....just happened”.

Pallavi held his hands. He turned to look down at their joined hands.  

“I felt lonely and empty in the last three years; much more than I had ever been. I wanted to throw caution to wind and take you in my arms and never let go, ever. But I couldn't. Your words stopped me, always. Also Janaki, she needed me badly during that time. I was emotionally absent but I tried to be with her however I could. She has no one in this world and she’s my responsibility. But I think she did realize fissures were again creeping into our lives. But tried to feign ignorance and focus on the treatment hoping for a better tomorrow”.

Pallavi felt sorry for Janaki.

“When I signed this project, my only intention was to give us one more chance. As friends or partners – that’ll be your choice. I just wanted your presence in my life. But soon I realized I am just fooling myself. I need you Pallavi.....”

He looked into her eyes and cupped her face. Her moist eyes started into his.

“But I’ll never force you to take this decision because you will have more to lose than me. It’ll be what you want. If you want me to stay away, I will, no matter how hard it’ll be for me”.

Tears filled her eyes; her heart was asking her to embrace this man but there were things hindering her still.

“Janaki?”

“I’m going to talk about us, to her. I think she already has inkling from all the rumours and my behaviour. I will end this marriage”.

“Won't it hurt her? She’s in the most vulnerable phase of her life; she needs you more than we’ll ever need each other”.

“I want to be selfish here Pallavi. I want to look out for myself”.

“Unrequited love and broken marriage is unbearable to any woman; it’ll be even more for her since she loves you”.

“She was a self assured woman when I met her. I feel somewhere this vulnerable state of hers is because she knows I don’t feel strongly for her. I was always unable to give her what she desired and deserved. Maybe that caused all the insecurities which ultimately took us to the brink. I know this is going to break her, but I don’t think I can go on. Even if you decide against us, I might still go with this decision because our relationship is strangling both of us. Janaki and I need to let go of each other for our own good. I’m just thankful we didn’t pull a child into our mess like our parents did”.

“King...”

“Trust me Pallavi; this is the right thing to do. I want you in my life, and it will not be fair to both of you if I don’t free her from this unwanted relationship before starting a new life with you. I can continue hiding from her but ultimately it’ll destroy her. Also you deserve better than that. I don’t want to wrong you both anymore”.

She is silent for some time. She is collecting her thoughts which were a mess right now. Once she could articulate her thoughts she spoke in soft yet firm voice.

“This is not how I dreamt of my life King. I wanted to fall in love and have a happily ever after like any other girl. But today I have to make a choice; I can have it all but for that I have to distort another woman’s dreams, her life. Janaki’s present state if anything is making me guiltier. Also my parents, I don’t know if they’ll ever forgive me. I’m going to bring bad name on them. My father gave me the freedom to live my dreams but now everyone, including my mother will berate him for that; because I clearly didn’t keep their trust. But....”

He looked at her with anxious eyes.

“I can’t resist my feelings for you. I tried....I tried for all their sake. I tried running away from it, I even tried to get into other relationships to get over you. But I simply could not. My heart yearns for what I had with you. No one is able to make me feel the way you did. I’m not able to get over the care and concern you showed on me after my accident. Just like you, I didn’t want those days to end. When I roamed around that night with you, I wished it never dawned. Seeing you with Janaki hurt me but I tried to make myself understand that’s the reality. But now I’m tired. I don’t want to deny myself a chance with you”.

He couldn’t contain his happiness; he hugged her tightly and she sobbed in his arms.

“I know I’m being selfish. I don’t know if we are making a wrong choice. But I want to do it with as much rightness as possible. I won’t be yours until Janaki can accept your decision. I don’t know her; maybe she’ll never accept or take time. But whatever it is, we’ll not be one until you are legally separated. My parents, I know, even then they might not agree for our marriage. But I’ve to do at least that much for them. I don’t want to be known as your mistress”.

“Shh. Don’t you dare use that word. I agree to whatever you said. Janaki also deserves that much from me. She was a part of my life all these years, I owe it to her. I’ll see what can be done. Don’t worry”.

She nodded. After a long time, they felt light. They didn’t know how things will go from here but felt a relief at being able to open up to each other.

We’ll find a solution, this time, together.