CHAPTER – 14

Janaki was resting in their room when Pranav walked in.

“Pranav what happened? You were supposed to be back next week!

He walked up to her.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, resting as usual. My business is suffering though. I don’t know how long it can go like this. These tests, bed rest, I hope we get a positive result soon”.

“Janaki”

She saw a serious expression on his face.

“We need to talk”

“We will, but are you okay?”

She saw he is finding it difficult to talk.

“What’s it, tell me?”

For a while he did not know how to present the matter and remained silent.

  

“I have something to tell you, something....unpleasant”.

She knew something is off and waited for him to continue.  

“We both know we did not believe in marriage or love when we got married. It was an arranged marriage that suited our convenience”.  

“I would like to assert the past tense here. It was a marriage of convenience, but I think we’ve come a long way”.

When Pranav didn’t say anything for a while, she knew she wouldn’t like what she’s going to hear!

“Pallavi”

Janaki didn’t know how to react for a while. It is indeed a blow for her.

“You do know right, this is not something a woman would like to hear from the man she’s married to, especially when she’s on bed rest owing to treatments undergone for a child with him?”

He couldn’t respond to it. Silence clouds the room. Janaki could feel tears rolling down from her eyes on its own. Her voice is cracked when she addresses him next.

“So, what are you going to do about it? Why are you telling me this now? Is this some sort of a confession about a momentary lapse?”

“I wish to start a life with Pallavi”

She couldn’t believe what she’s hearing. One of her worst nightmares is coming true.

“What about me, I’m your WIFE!”

“This relationship is not working from a long time Janaki”.

It took her some time to respond to that. Her face had turned ashen! She tried hard to control her stammering voice when she spoke again. 

“What do you mean? We’ve had our share of ups and downs. But every marriage does. A relationship needs constant effort from both of us to keep it alive. If you feel it’s not working, then communicate with me. We’ll try and work on the issues”.

“For how long Janaki? Aren’t all these years behind us enough? If we couldn’t achieve a sane relationship in all these years what’s going to change now?”

“But you never told me you were feeling like this Pranav. Maybe if you did, we would have already worked out the issues. Every marriage goes through such phases. But it doesn’t mean we should end it. Let’s not repeat our parents mistakes Pranav”.

“Exactly Janaki, I don’t want to repeat my parents’ mistake, of staying in a marriage I don’t want”.

“Pranav...” she choked.

“I’m sorry for doing this Janaki. But I seriously can’t go on like this”, he sat beside her.

“Is it because of my insecurities? Or my inability to give you a child; or because I could never satisfy you? For which mistake of mine am I getting punished?”

“I’ve stopped being happy in this relationship for a long time now Janaki. I don’t want to blame you or punish you for anything. Consider it as my weakness”.

Tears never stopped.

“Since when....”

“I don’t know exactly”

“But.....you were with me Pranav. Last few years, we’ve been trying for a child. Which all doctors, temples we visited; and you were always there beside me. I know...I know I’ve been an emotional mess lately....but I valued your presence Pranav, I respected you, loved you for your constant support. When did it all change? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I wanted to....end everything for a....long time now. But I knew you needed me, I just didn’t feel like leaving you alone”.

“So...... (she resolutely wiped her tears though new ones dropped soon after).....it was sympathy. I was a pity case for you”.

“Janaki”

“Did you ever love me Pranav”, it was a mere whisper.

“Maybe I just grew out of those feelings”, he didn’t want to hurt her more.

“What if...you grew out of your current feelings too?”

“I don’t know. But irrespective of that, I think separation is best for us. Even if Pallavi denied or if she didn’t exist in my life, someday this was bound to happen Janaki”.

“You hate me that much?”

“I don’t hate you but I don’t want that to happen in future”.

She’s heard enough. She closed her eyes, tears still streaming beyond her control. At that moment, she knew everything is over between them for him. But she didn't burst out or lose herself before him. She wanted to scream at him, beg him to give them a chance. But when she opened her mouth she only had one thing to ask.

“So there is no chance for ‘us’ anymore?”

He felt bad for doing this to her.

It is not fair by any means; I can never justify myself for hurting her; but I know this is best for us. It’s better to end this now than end up hating and hurting each other, like his parents’ did.

“I’m sorry Janaki”

She diverted her gaze to the windows. They sat like that for some time in silence.

“I need some time Pranav. What you told today is not something I wished to hear. I don’t know how to deal with this now. I need time”.

He nodded at her words and left her hand. He stood up, his eyes still on her. But she refused to meet his eyes. He slowly walked out of the room.

Hours later she sat under the shower, her body shaking with the wails.

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Radhika: Stop irritating me Ashok. This is my life. Just because I am your wife, I’m supposed to give up my happiness?

Ashok: So me and my daughter mean nothing to you?

Radhika: Ashok please. Why are you bringing our daughter into this?

Ashok: I'm not bringing her in Radhika. She is already there; she is a very important part of our life.

Radhika: I know that. You needn't remind me always.

Ashok: I have to; because often you seem to forget that you are a mother too.

Radhika: Will you stop this nonsense?

The argument went on.………..Nobody saw a lonely 7 year old girl standing behind the door - trembling with fear and uncertainty……….

                                         ****************

Judge: As the couple has decided to get separated and the term given to them to rethink has not brought any change in their decision, the court hereby declare their divorce to take place. As the girl child is just 11 years old, her custody is being handed over to her mother. She can meet her father once every year during her summer vacation. Court adjourned.

Radhika: Bad luck Ashok! I told you, Radhika Thilakan never loses. I gained freedom from you and also won the custody of my daughter.

Ashok: I just hope she doesn't grow up like you.

Radhika: How dare you??

The argument again went on……but nobody saw the dreams of a young Janaki being shattered; her dream of living in a ‘home’ with her father ‘and’ mother!

                                          ******************

Pranav's declaration felt like a hard blow, one which she did not see coming.

I was aware of the shifts in our marriage. But we never really had a smooth run; no marriages did. Fissures existed in our marital life always. The lacklustre sexual life did make me conscious; but Pranav had been patient and gave me time to come into myself. I had feared and even made peace with an abrupt end to our relationship back then. But his grandmother’s demise brought us emotionally close. We both got a new lease at life.

I was always conscious about being dependant on a man. Love, marriage came with a caution tag for me, after witnessing my parents’ debacle. I don’t know when and how, but, Pranav became my life; after Papa’s demise, even more so. I know I often pushed him to his limits with my emotional self. But that is my basic nature with my loved ones. I don’t hide my vulnerabilities or eccentricities. What is the point of hiding behind masks when what I need is authenticity?! I gave him exactly what I wanted from him. I wanted him to find that anchor in me too; the bouncing board to hit on, unconditionally.

Didn’t I accept him too, with his entire plus and minus?! He lacked in communication and that has severely hampered our relationship. Despite wanting to be emotionally connected I knew he’s not someone who can express emotions. His silence, lack of emotional connect, I had made my peace with all that too. Isn’t that what a marriage entails? To accept and co exist with your partner, as they are?!

When I couldn’t conceive I did think of letting him go. But HE stood beside me, giving me strength whenever I lost myself. My love for him grew even more. I was just hoping that the advent of a child in our lives would make it more beautiful. What more did I need, I had a husband who was always supporting, bore all my eccentricities, was beside me in all my lows and highs. He was my best friend.

All that was a lie! He was acting! Nothing was real. Where did everything go wrong?

She sobbed into her knees. Her life has shattered forever!!

                                       **************

Pranav and Janaki could not avoid their confrontation for long. She took her time to come to a decision and when she did, she called up Pranav for a conversation.

“One day I had a life that I was contented with, and the next thing I know is I’m all alone. You threw me off my balance Pranav.”

She walked towards him as she talked and saw him going to say something.

"No, please let me complete" she came and stood in front of him and looked in his eyes.

 "Pranav, you know I love you....I don't know when I started loving you... we both were of same nature, two lonely souls bounded by a convenient relationship. We were going fine...Weren’t we? Remember that day when I was sick and woke up in your arms, your care, concern all night....that was the day I realized I have feelings for you...I thought with time, when we had our happy days, we were finally on the same page. What I didn’t know is me letting my guards down around you and being my real self with you, would scare you to the extent of finding someone else to fill my shoes”.

"One minute Janaki. Pallavi is not here to fill your shoes. She has a place and role in my life which is something maybe only she and I can understand. But that doesn’t mean you are nothing to me. It is just that I couldn’t love you the way you desired, the way you deserve. You are a wonderful woman and I did try sincerely but somewhere we drifted apart. It is not because of Pallavi, even if she didn’t come to my life, we would not have worked out Janaki. I had stopped loving you for a long time”.

 THAT HURT.

"I get it. But you must also understand that I’m in love with you; I’m stuck there still...Pallavi has happened in your life Pranav, not in mine. Nothing has changed for me; I still love you. You were, you are and you always will be my only love”.

 "Believe me Janaki. I’m not happy doing this to you. But I don’t have any another option. We just don’t have a future together. You are a nice woman. Any man would want you in his life”. 

Janaki smiled, her eyes stung with unshed tears.

“But you don’t want me in your life Pranav! If my flaws troubled you, if you needed space, you should’ve made me aware of it. Yes I should’ve noticed or at least made sure not to push too much, I shouldn’t have become so dependent on you. I shouldn’t have allowed you such a power over me. But I have to say this, you communicating it at the right time would’ve perhaps helped us, we’ll never know now. Instead of giving up at the cracks, we could have tried to work on them; after all a long term marriage demands that from the two people involved”.

He had no words to respond.

“I can give you the freedom you desire but that would kill me. I can also be equally selfish like you, trying to hold on to my feelings, my needs alone. I’m in love, just like you are. I can say that’ll not give up without a fight; not give you an easy way out”.

“Janaki”

“I’m not done. I won’t lie Pranav, I did think along those lines. I didn’t want to let you go, I wanted to try and save my marriage, the stability and normalcy I have with you. But then is it really worth it? Should I hang on to a man who don’t need me? Yes it’ll take me a lot to get over this but I’d rather be miserable alone than miserable with you knowing that you cheated on me. You’ve already ruined all my good memories with you. I can never ever respect you again, the way I did until now. So what’s the point? Like you said, maybe a life together will ensure we end up hating each other; just like our parents”.

Heavy silence stretched between them until he spoke again.

“I’m sorry Janaki”

She turned away to hide her tears.

“For the past few years, I’ve spent each day of my life loving you. So I’ll do this. We’ll apply mutually for divorce. I want you out of my life”.

He didn’t miss the crack in her voice.  

 “I know I’ve wronged you Janaki. Maybe you are right, if I had stood up for our marriage instead of scheming lies perhaps we wouldn’t be facing this day. But now, I don’t want to go back; I don’t think you deserve it too” .

She didn’t respond to his guilt. It did nothing for her.

“I’m sorry for being selfish”.

“Door is on the right Pranav”.

After a while she heard the click of the door.

Everything is over.