CHAPTER - 28

It is a Sunday. Janaki is sitting in the living room and going through some of her files when the door bell rang. Her maid informed her it is Pallavi.

“Pallavi? Come in” she ushered her into the living room politely.

“I….I just wanted to meet Ayaan”.

“Oh sure! He’s taking a nap but will be up in few minutes. If you don’t mind waiting….”

“No, it’s fine”.

They sat in silence unable to frame a conversation. Slowly Pallavi addressed her.

“I know….I has no right to ask this. And sorry if I’m intruding…..”

Janaki stared at her waiting for her question.

“Why did you decide on divorce? You guys crossed that bridge once”.

Janaki took a moment to answer. She is contemplating on the right words.

“Because I couldn’t fool myself about a better tomorrow……anymore”.

Pallavi didn’t miss her resigned expression.

“Didn’t you want to try for Ayaan’s sake?”

“I did. More than that, I wanted to do it for myself too. And I did try. But then after a point….I finally accepted the fact that we were never meant to be”.

Pallavi let her collect her thoughts.

“We had a choice - To keep pretending to ourselves everything is fine or for Ayaan to have his father and mother separately. If we chose the former, someday Ayaan will realize that he did not have a home but house and how we’re just his parents and not a family in its entirety. I know how it feels; Pranav knows. We were victims of it once. So I did not want my son to go through that. So we decided that we better walk separate ways and make Ayaan adjust to separate lives from beginning”.

“But even then the situation is same right. Ayaan still have to face the music”.

“Yes but it is better. If we continued as husband and wife we will have, or I will have expectations from Pranav. I will want a proper family for Ayaan. But Pranav might not rise up to that need the way I desire. Our relationship did have a strain from a long time”.

Janaki is not grieving, she’s just opening up and surprisingly she found it easy to do it with Pallavi.

“Maybe if we stayed together longer the fissures……I didn’t want to end up hating Pranav, making it difficult for my son too. Right now Ayaan has both his parents, though separately, but in an amicable relationship. Rest of it he has to face it, there is no choice since he is born to Pranav and me”.

Pallavi felt a deep respect for the woman before him.

“I’m sorry for doing this to you Janaki”.

“Don’t be Pallavi. I don’t blame you. I might have somewhere in the past, in my emotional vulnerability. But not now because it is not you, it is Pranav who wronged me. There were millions of girls out there who liked him, admired him. But if he had been faithful to me then he would have been mine forever. He loved a girl outside his marriage instead of working on the limitations in his marriage. You have nothing to be sorry for”.

Pallavi nodded tear eyed. Janaki has freed her from the guilt she’s been carrying all along.

“Oh I forgot. You’re here to meet Ayaan. We got carried away. It is time for him to be up, I’ll check”.

“No it’s ok. Let him come when he’s ready. I’ve no other plans for today”.

“Has Avni adjusted to Pranav?”

“I hope they will. More than Avni, I’m worried about Pranav”.

“Don’t be. No matter how bad a husband he is, he is a great father. I have seen it with Ayaan. Initially he could not adjust with Ayaan too”.

Pallavi smiled.

“I promise Ayaan will always have his father Janaki”.

Janaki smiled but said nothing.

“Will you ever find someone else for you?”

Janaki couldn’t help a laugh.

“I don’t know. I can’t find a replacement for Pranav right now in my life. I don’t know if I will ever be able to. Not that I did not try but honestly somewhere I don’t want to. I have Ayaan. That’s enough for me”.

“I felt the same too when I left Pranav years back. But Arjun changed my thoughts and feelings. Again when he disappeared from my life, I had decided not to walk down that lane ever. But now….I doesn’t know if I sound like a serial dater. But….sometimes letting life take you in different directions is worth it. Do not deny yourself a chance at happiness if it ever crosses you”.

Pallavi’s words did touch Janaki, she smiled and gave a nod.

“Will you be able to forgive Pranav ever?”

“I don’t know. It’s not like I’m burning with anger each moment, but then yes at times when you are alone you cannot stop cursing the person who is responsible for it. At least for venting out my pain and frustration I do hate Pranav at times. I have forgiven him but not fully yet. I will have to and I will. Because if I don’t, I will carry him in my heart forever and that will destroy me.  Ayaan is the only link left between us; I won’t deny him that but that is all I can give him now”.

“I understand”

Just then Pallavi noticed Ayaan on the stairs. He is giving her a strange look. She couldn’t decipher if it is hate or anger or pain or all of them. Janaki saw him.

“Ayaan…come down. We have guest. Pallavi is here to meet you”.

Ayaan looked from his mom to Pallavi. He slowly came down the stairs and stood before Pallavi. She greeted him and he obliged with a meek hello. Pallavi smiled and went on her knees to talk more but he moved away. He backed away slowly and then bolted out of the room. Janaki yelled after him but he did not turn back.

“I’m sorry Pallavi. He never behaves like that”.

“He has every right to behave like that with me Janaki. Cool down. I deserve It”.

“I’m sorry Pallavi”

“No don’t be Janaki. Maybe you’re right, Pranav wronged you more than me. But in Ayaan’s case, I have equally wronged him like his father. I’m getting an important place in his father’s life which actually should have belonged to his mother. He has a right to hate me. I won’t blame him. Don’t scold him”.

Lavanya sighed and held her hand.

“Ayaan will come for the wedding”.

“Don’t force him. He’s already dealing with a lot”.

“I won’t but he will come”.

Pallavi couldn’t help a smile and Janaki returned it.

We are bound together by the man we both love. And at the end I get to keep him and Janaki is losing him forever. Yet she is accepting her fate and even being good to me. Not all can do that! Pranav has lost a gem! What did he find in me to leave this woman behind! Maybe this is their fate. His, mine and Janaki’s!

         

                                                 **********

Ayaan is lying on his stomach. Janaki sighed watching him from the door. She mentally chided Pranav.

 He should have been here to console his son and make him see light. But alas, seems like I will have to do it alone. But then what can Pranav say? Can he tell his son to respect Pallavi, just like that? It would have reduced him in his son’s eyes. I will have to do this, not for Pranav, but for my son’s peace of mind.

She walked near the bed and sitting beside him brushed his hair slowly. Ayaan fisted his fingers and shut his eyes tightly.

“I’m not going to apologize for what happened”.

“You have to, because you insulted a person elder to you. That’s not what I taught you”.

“She is the reason why Dad left us”.

“It was his choice Ayaan, no one forced him. If he is not with us then he is to the one responsible for it, not anyone else”.

Ayaan opened his eyes at that and stared at his mother.

“Yes, If Dad is not with us, then it is his own choice. And maybe your Maa herself might have given him reasons to make that choice or not given him reasons to choose differently. So why blame Pallavi?”

“But you love him Maa. You would not have made Dad run away”.

Janaki smiled at his innocence.

“Ayaan, some things cannot be explained. Ok, at the surface level, maybe it would seem like Pranav left us just like that and broke my heart. But during the time when we were together, maybe I could not give him what he desired, just like he couldn’t give me what I desired as well. He found it in Pallavi so he decided to be with her. We were simply not meant to be together”.

“So like Dad found someone else, you will also find someone else in your life?”

Janaki laughed at that.

“You don’t have to worry over that Ayaan. Maa needs no one but my baby. But that’s not the point here. Whatever it is, Pallavi is elder to you and she is important to your father. So you should at least respect her. She is not that bad”.

Ayaan listened wordlessly.

“Sometimes some unpleasant things happen, because it is destined to happen. There is a good side to every bad thing that occurs. It is for us to find it out. Do you get me?”

Ayaan nodded and she took him in her lap.

“You should go for your father’s wedding”.

“I don’t want to go”.

“I won’t force you to go. It’s your choice. But I would like my son to not miss out on anything in his parents’ lives. Your father will be happy. More than that, it will reduce the insecurity you are having regarding losing your father. You should be part of his life, and then he will be a part of your life too. Do you understand?”

Ayaan nodded obediently.

“One more thing Maa wants to tell you”.

Ayaan looked up at her.

“Avni, Pallavi’s daughter is your sister now. If you can’t accept Pallavi, it’s fine. But you must accept the bond you have with Avni”.

“But how can she be my sister?”

“She is your sister Ayaan.  Just like you, she is innocent in all that is happening around her. Just because her mother is marrying your father, you cannot be distant or rude to her”.

“I can behave well with her, but I can’t accept her as my sister”.

“Siblings are a blessing Ayaan. When you have one, cherish her. A sibling means, a friend, someone who will listen to you, who will consider you as her idol, worship you as her hero. As a child, Maa always wanted a sibling. If I had one, I would not have been so lonely and there would have been someone to share my happiness, sorrow and even guide me at times or make me responsible for another life”.

Ayaan listened intently.

“She is on the same boat as you Ayaan. So don’t hate her and if possible try to love her. That’s all I have to say”.

She kissed him on the forehead and got up. Ayaan held her hand before she could leave.

“I love you Maa, you are the best”.

“I love you too dear”.

Ayaan realized that day how wonderful a woman his mother is. She covered up for his father but also made sure her son did not accuse another woman for their fate. Also she made sure her son did not hurt another innocent soul in all this. He wondered if Avni would be all that his mother has said.

                                        *******************

Pranav and Pallavi are getting married today on December 31stNight. As it is a private wedding, media got no byte despite trying their best. This is their private moment with their family.

Pranav is holding Ayaan’s hand in his while talking to Viren. Ayaan is feeling blank. He did not know what to feel.

Is it fair to his mother that he is here? But she herself sent me here; and Dad is happy to have him here.

Ayaan decided that it is better he doesn’t think about anything and stayed mute.

Just then door of bride’s room opened and Pallavi descended the stairs with her sister and Jasmine beside her and Laxmi following them with Avni in her arms. She is dressed in an off white sari with golden border paired with a golden blouse. Ornaments were minimal as well. She has light make up and her hair is tied up in a bun with the fringe adorning her forehead. Pallavi searched for Pranav’s eyes and meets his peaceful eyes.

When she reached the hall, Pranav came forward and asked for her hand. She held his hand and they both walked towards the pooja room. He is holding Ayaan in one hand and Pallavi held Avni in her other hand who had demanded to go to her mother. After taking blessings from God and elders they came to the living room where the marriage registrar waited for them. Everything got over in a blur. They signed the pages; Viren and Nisha did other formalities from both sides.

Pranav filled her maang with sindhoor and tied the mangalsutra. Flashes of Arjun and Janaki did arise in their minds. After all they had shared this special moment with them before. The marriage is complete. Everyone started congratulating them. Meanwhile Avni had noticed Ayaan as the only child in the crowd and moved near him.

“Hi, I’m Avni. You are?

Ayaan found it difficult to talk to her, yet he managed a response remembering his mother’s words.

“Ayaan Kashyap Malhotra”

“Ooooooh! So you are my brother?!”

Ayaan got stuck at that question. The wide eyed girl before him is looking at him with genuine delight. She is told by her mother that she now has a brother whose name is Ayaan. She is very thrilled about having a brother and now that she knows it’s him she did not waste a moment and held on to his arm even before Ayaan can respond.

“I’m so happy. I always wanted a brother. I’m always surrounded by old people you know and I can’t play with them. Nisha Aunty’s children are my sisters. But I wanted a brother always. Now I have you. You will stay with us?”

And just like that Ayaan felt him easing to the girl’s incessant but adorable chatter.

                                            *******************

Janaki huddled up in the living room after giving the maids leave for two days. She did not want to see their sympathetic faces or hear their comments on her life behind her back. The phone rang once again. She has been receiving calls from different channels and newspapers asking for her response to Pranav’s remarriage. She switched off her cell.

She spent the whole day with Ayaan trying to forget everything else. Pranav came to pick up Ayaan in the evening. Janaki did not wish to face him; hence she sent Ayaan down with the maid after advising him to behave well and kissed him. Pranav was also not sure how he is to face Janaki today. When he saw Ayaan coming down with the maid, he knew she did not wish to either.

Clock struck 12. It is New Year now and she can hear crackers outside.

People are celebrating the New Year with lots of hopes and happiness. Many will be wishing the next year to be the best for them. Some will be having a fresh start this year, in their careers or in their personal lives. Pranav and Pallavi are also starting a new life.

Heaviness descended upon her heart. But she willed herself not to cry. She did not want to wallow in self pity and end up feeling miserable.

I did have a life and I have Ayaan in it. He is the only one I can call my own and count on to never desolate me. But there is a discreet loneliness that nagged my heart sometimes.

I don’t have feelings for Pranav now. I can move on in life if I try. But what does move on mean to me? Is it waiting for happiness through a man or simply focusing my life on my career and son? These options can help me survive but will it give the happiness I desire?!

What plans does God have for me? I’m ready to wait for them! Though I had a disturbing childhood, it is also filled with happy moments with my father. I did have some nice moments with Pranav, there was a time when we loved each other; even though it all ended bitterly. In his absence I have Ayaan with me. Life is all about a mixed bag of good and bad experiences. Each experience is a leaves behind something valuable. I’ll have to wait and see what this phase of my life will offer me.

Loses are loses until you gain it back or gain something bigger than that! She has had her loss now, now it’s time for her to gain!!!

                                                                   **************

Ayaan did feel his mother is in a dull mood all through the day but trying her best to hide it. He did not pester either, and played along just to make her happy. When he had to leave her behind to go for his father’s wedding, he felt sorry for her. He did feel angry at his dad, but when he saw his happiness he did not know what to feel. That day he realized right and wrong are two confusing concepts because remarrying is a ‘right’ decision for his father but a ‘wrong’ one too because it hurt his mother.

But will it have been ‘right’ if my father stayed back with Maa without loving her; would it have been ‘wrong’ to my father and Pallavi aunty then? Who is right and who is wrong, I don’t know. Maybe when I grow up I will understand why these adults are so confusing with their feelings.

He returned back home to his mother after the ceremony. He saw her huddled on the sofa asleep. Ayaan came near her and hugged her. Janaki woke up with a start.

“Ayaan, you are back!”

She took him on her lap and hugged him. She did not ask him the details of the wedding, nor did he say. They remained like that in an embrace for long before they went to sleep in their room.

“I Love you Maa. And I will always be with you”.

“Promise?”

“Yeah Forever”

Janaki smiled.

                                              *****************

Soon after dinner, everyone retired for the night. Avni fell asleep and Nisha took her home with Akash and Laxmi. Viren dropped Ayaan at Janaki’s house and hit Jasmine’s apartment.

Pallavi is feeling blank once they’re alone. Pranav saw her expression and came near her. He wordlessly hugged her and she hugged him back. They did not speak anything but remained hugging. They have a lot of memories behind them, some sweet, some bitter. They thought about their past lives, Janaki, Arjun, Ayaan and Avni.

Life is not easy, it will never be. But this time we are together to face everything. That’s enough for now.